A Different, Different Take on Screen Time: A Brief Response to Ash Brandon on the Good Inside Podcast

"If we were at a playground, at a pool, at a friend's house, and they protested or tantrumed because they didn't want to leave, we probably wouldn't blame the playground. We probably wouldn't blame the pool… We instead are able to look through the medium and see the skill. We see that it's hard to leave fun places, it's hard to stop in the middle of things, whatever the underlying feeling is. And that's often what's happening when kids are having a hard time on technology." - Ash Brandon on Good Inside: A Different Take on Screen Time (link to episode)

I am a big fan of Dr. Becky, especially her podcast, Good Inside. It has helped my wife and me think through parenting more deeply and wisely. Sometimes I disagree, but this particular episode prompted (compelled?) me to put my thoughts in writing.

This analogy from Ash Brandon, comes up in the middle of the episode about screen time and how to respond when kids resist boundaries. It is meant to normalize screen time resistance as just another "hard to leave" activity. While I understand the intent to reduce shame and keep boundaries consistent, I think it overlooks some key differences in the nature of the medium itself.

The medium is not neutral. A playground is, in many senses, neutral. Kids' TV shows, YouTube, and most games are designed to pull you in and keep you there, often by rolling you straight into the next episode or level. Our children's brains are not yet wired to fully recognize or resist that pull.

It is worth noting that parental neutrality, meaning staying calm and consistent when setting limits, is not the same as medium neutrality. A playground does not have algorithms or cliffhangers designed to capture and hold attention. Video games, social media, and streaming platforms do. Confusing the two leads to flawed comparisons that ignore how the design of the medium itself changes the difficulty of stopping.

I see this clearly in my own son. We have set fairly strict guardrails on the amount of TV and video games he gets because from day one we have recognized that the medium is not neutral. He does watch TV shows or play video games occasionally, but we (try!) keep these within a set framework. We have family movie nights two or three times a week, usually Friday, Saturday, and sometimes Sunday.

Movies are different from TV shows and video games. Even when the story is thin, there is still a complete narrative arc, and then it ends. We also treat movie nights as a family gathering not a isolated event. TV shows, on the other hand, are designed in short segments to make you want to watch another one immediately. Whether it is Bluey or a Hot Wheels cartoon, the structure drives repetition and never ending "scroll".

I should be clear: even with less screen time than many of his friends, the urge to play video games and watch shows is still there. There are still sometimes fights, but that is okay. We can work through that and hold our boundaries. What we have noticed is that these tantrums and fits are noticeably stronger when we allow more screen time than usual. There is an undeniable difference in the pull we observe. I can only imagine the uncontrollable attitudes, explosions, and resistance to boredom if we allowed screens on a more frequent basis or as a way to combat boredom.

When we have let him watch shows, we often regret it because the medium itself drives the resistance to stopping. By limiting those mediums, he has developed the ability to occupy himself with reading, drawing, making comics, and playing with toys. He can sit in a doctor's office and read a book or draw, and he is fine with it because that is the norm we have set. He does not associate waiting rooms, restaurants, or downtime with having a screen to shut off his brain.

Even as adults, we have to actively resist getting pulled into screens. That is why we have been intentional about helping our son build other habits of leisure and focus, rather than letting him become dependent on a medium designed to hijack his attention.

While I understand the idea of staying neutral as a parent when setting boundaries, the activities themselves are not neutral. If we want to help kids, we have to name what the medium is, whether it is social media, YouTube, video games, or TV shows, and help them understand what it is doing to their brain. Otherwise, we risk treating all resistance as the same when in reality some mediums are engineered to make stopping far harder.